Friday, September 15, 2006


French teacher Mrs Lewis was sacked yesterday after she confessed to changing the French A-level curriculum. Lewis admitting asking pupils to memorize phrases such as ‘I surrender,’ ‘hello Mr Immigrant, Britain is that way,’ and ‘where in this town can I find the smelliest cheese and the hairest women’. Mrs Lewis claimed she was just trying to help her pupils fit in should they ever go to France.

Croesyceiliog School are currently looking for a new French teacher.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


A high ranking Biology teacher in Croesyceiliog School, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was caught on camera last night attempting to perform intercourse with an oak tree.

Caretakers had previously reported several instances of holes being drilled into trees, and after getting the go-ahead from senior staff, set up hidden cameras to catch the vandal. They were stunned however, as they watched from a safe distance, to see the Biology teacher walk shyly up to the tree holding a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates.

The caretakers stared, open-mouthed, as the teacher drank the wine, ate the choclates, then dropped his trousers and began making sweet sweet love to a hole he had carved into the trunk.

The police were called immediately and as they dragged the teacher away from the would he was heard to scream, ‘BUT I LOVE HER,’ ‘TREES ARE PEOPLE TOO, and ‘PLEASE DON’T TELL MY WIFE!’

Under questioning the teacher admitted he had been conducting a long-running affair with the oak tree, whom he called ‘Samantha’, but had also been seeing other trees on the side – including, he confessed, a seven year-old sapling.

Police raided the teacher’s home and found several photos of trees in erotic poses on his computer as well as a lifetime membership to and a Plants Gone Wild video tape.

Croesyceiliog School are currently searching for a new Biology teacher.

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Staff and pupils alike were in shock yesterday as it was revealed that Mr Nigel Pryce, head of games at Croesyceiliog School, was living a secret double life as an internet love god.

A normal games teacher by day, at night Pryce turned into ‘Naughty Nige’, an online lothario who met and seduced thousands of women he met on internet chatrooms and dating sites.

When the news first broke many female members of staff called for Pryce to be sacked, claiming his stunts were sexist and mysoginistic, but they withdrew their statements after Pryce reportedly paid each of them personal visits.

After keeping it a secret for many years, Mr Pryce’s alter-ego was finally uncovered when a student stumbled upon his MySpace profile. For those brave enough to see this hive of smut and immorality, can exclusively link it here.


Supply teacher Mrs Cantwell was reportedly suing Croesyceiliog School yesterday after a newsletter issued around the school contained a typo in her last name. Sources in the school printing office claim the mixed-up vowel was an innocent mistake, but Cantwell’s lawyer maintains his client will only settle for a six figure sum.


The quiet atmosphere of D Floor was shattered yesterday afternoon as a SWAT team came bursting in through the windows. Pupils watched in fear and astonishment as the team, complete with body armour and high powered automatic weapons, swung in on ropes and proceed to arrest IT teacher and head of department Mrs Priday at gunpoint. It was later revealed that Priday had been using her position as cover for her real job as freelance master hacker, currently working for Bin Laden's terrorist organization, Al Qaeda.

US Government officials said they had been attempting to ascertain the identity of the master hacker known only as 'Missy P' for months, after she compromised the security of several US banks, transferring millions straight to Bin Laden's Swiss bank account.

'She was very clever,' said one government agent. 'We only know of three people in the world who could have broken into that system, and two of them are working for us in a top secret computer lab in Arizona on a constant coffee IV.'

It appears that Priday hid her identity by feigning ignorance of even basic computer knowledge.

'I never would have guessed she was a master hacker,' said one of her students. 'I frequently had to correct her on all sorts of fundamental points, and often ended up teaching the class myself.'

'It's clear now why she gave us so much pointless writing to do,' said another, 'and why she spent so much time in that office of hers. While our brains were being melted by the mind-numbing boredom of it all, she was hacking into top US computers for Bin Laden and his terrorist crew.'

Croesyceiliog School are not currently searching for a new IT teacher, as several of the pupils are already doing a better job.


In a sensational exclusive, can reveal that ex ‘King of Pop’ Michael Jackson has been found working in Croesyceiliog School under the guise of one of the teachers. Jackson has been thought to have been teaching incognito at the school for several years, probably since the time of his first conviction.

The ‘MJ’ seen and heard on the news has been confirmed as a body-double, paid millions by Jackson to keep up his lifestyle of releasing shit records and sleeping with preteens while the real thing surivived undercover as a teacher, probably to avoid any possible prison sentences should the charges of paedophillia ever be proven.

After finding fame in the 70s as part of ‘the Jackson 5’, MJ became an international superstar in the 80s, with albums like Thriller and Bad cementing his place as the premier pop star on the planet. However, after the release of Bad things deteriorated for Jackson. He turned white, had several plastic surgery operations, and started sleeping with little kids. This loss of sanity may be why he chose Croesyceiliog School as the place to go undercover.

The popstar’s scheme was exposed, however, when a member of staff noticed the teacher moonwalking along the corridor muttering ‘shamone, shamone.’

Despite pressure from local citizens, a spokesman would not reveal the name of the teacher Jackson had been posing as. However, after some careful research, we here at have managed to unearth this police photo: exclusive

The case continues.


A body has been found in the woods of Croesyceiliog School after several students, who were absolutely not bunking off lessons for a quiet cigarette, stumbled over a partially buried hand. After examination of dental records the body was revealed to be that of Reginald Masterson, one of Her Majesty’s School Inspectors who mysteriously disappeared while inspecting the school a few years ago. The cause of death is currently unknown, although police are treating the dagger sticking out of his back, thought to be of French origin, as suspicious.

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Zoot Suit and the Zeroids, Bolton’s premier ska band from the 70s, dramatically reformed yesterday for one last concert - on the roof of Croesyceiliog School.

The revival was said to be orchestrated by Mr Hewitson, a maths teacher at Croesy School and ex-saxophone player for the Zeroids. His Year Ten Maths class were shocked and amazed when halfway through explaining trigonometry he ripped off his clothes to reveal a silver spandex jumpsuit, stepped into platforms, and whipped out his sax, screaming, 'LET'S GET READY TO ROCK!' He then climbed out of the window and onto the roof.

Pupils and students gathering below to watch at first thought Hewitson had finally snapped and was going to attempt suicide, but as they searched for a mattress to catch him with a loud throbbing filled the air and a helicopter flew into view. Hovering above the roof, ropes were lowered and sliding down came the rest of Hewitson's ex-band - including famed radio DJ Mark Radcliffe.

There were gasps as the equipment was lowered and Radcliffe stepped forward and grabbed the mike. 'We're all here,' he said, 'at the special request of my old bandmate Pete. Ladies and gentlemen, this is for Bolton. This is for King Crimson. This is Zoot Suit and the Zeroids... FOR THE LAST TIME EVER!'

The crowd went wild as the band launched into their biggest hit, the bouncy ska-punk tune 'Breakfast in Bondage'.

'I'm a breakfast fetish that's why,' screamed Radcliffe, 'Bacon and eggs 'tween my legs is my joy! I'm gonna find me a greasy plate and... SIT IN IT!'

'I've got toast and marmalade strapped to my inner thigh!' he continued, losing himself as the music washed over him. 'I've got cornflakes down my pants - and I know why!'

'THE MILK'S LIKE LUBRICANT!' screamed the Zoot Suit and the Zeroids fans below, and Simon Planet went wild on guitar, but as the song finished with a blast on an airhorn Deputy Head D. McCool came out of the school building and stared up at the band.

'Peter!' he yelled. 'Get down here now!'

Hewitson laughed. 'Peter Hewitson is no more!' he cried. 'I am now... SAX FACTOR!' He hit a high note on the sax, the bass kicked in, and seconds later Zoot Suit and the Zeroids were into their second tune, hot ska number 'Too Much Sax'.

Other hits quickly followed, including the classics 'Fight Poverty - Kill A Beggar Today' and 'Make Love Not Food'. The crowd below clapped and cheered, one enterprising student made a killing selling t-shirts made with P.E. kits and permanent markers, and several sixth form hotties ripped open their shirts and threw their knickers at Mr Hewitson.

Finally, after three and a half encores, the show came to and end, the members of the band climbing back into the chopper and flying off into the sunset to endless whistles and cheers. Many students hailed the gig as the beginning of a 70s revival.

Croesyceiliog School are currently looking for a new Maths teacher.

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As yet another class ran riot yesterday afternoon R.E. teacher Mrs Lewis got down on her knees and begged God to control her pupils. Regrettably the bearded one must have been busy elsewhere, as the class continued to shout abuse, throw paper aeroplanes made from bible pages, and pass a can of Carling around at the back.

Mrs Lewis is currently looking for a new God.


Retired physics teacher and known crackpot Doctor 'DJ' Harrington returned to Croesyceiliog School yesterday in a psychotic drunken rage.

The doctor, who was widely considered insane even during his time at the school, staggered through the front doors of the west building and lurched up the main stairs, swearing and brandishing a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

As panic began to spread through the school, Harrington, who was described by one onlooker as 'reeking of whiskey' and by another as 'a fucking headcase', charged madly from room to room, resisting all attempts to subdue him with seemingly superhuman strength.

Rampaging through the physics department, Harrington threw chairs and tables at shocked and frightened pupils, slurring things like ‘you made my life hell, you little bastards,’ over and over.

One brave student tried to knock the insane doctor out with a bunsen burner, but the blow to the head seemed to send Harrington into a Vietnam flashback. Pulling out an old service revolver and yelling ‘I’ll get you, you damn gooks,’ he fired several shots into the whiteboard before stumbling out of the room and down the stairs.

It seemed impossible that the incident would end without casualties, but without warning a shadowy outline stepped in front of Harrington. Eyewitnesses gasped at the courage displayed by the mysterious figure.

‘Outta my way you sonovabitch,’ screamed the doctor, reaching out and grabbing the individual's tie. Big mistake. Stepping out of the shadows, the figure revealed his identity. After a 5-year absence, 'Hardman' Ashford had returned to defend Croesy in its hour of need.

‘Nobody messes with the tie,’ he hissed, slowly extending his arm and grabbing Harrington by the throat. ‘Especially not a washed up old lunatic like you.’

The doctor struggled to free himself and continue his drunken assault but with a roar Ashford launched him through the wall into the boiler room, impaling him on a pipe, which burst, sending water vapour everywhere.

Ashford raised an eyebrow. ‘Let off some steam, Harrington,’ he said.

Staff and students alike could only watch, speechless, as Ashford adjusted his tie, clicked his fingers, and disappeared in a blinding flash, leaving Croesyceiliog School safe once more.


The safety of those who work and study at Croesyceiliog School was under threat yesterday as Physics teacher Keith Jarvis was revealed by his A-Level class to be THE JARVINATOR, a sophisticated T-3.14 cyborg sent back through time from the year 2029 to assassinate American President George W. Bush and prevent him from starting World Wars 3, 4 and 5.

However, it seemed that an error in the time travel technology had not only altered the Jarvinator's personality circuits, changing their basic pattern from 'Cyborg Assassin' to 'Camp Physics Teacher', but also mistakenly dumped it outside Croesyceiliog School, where it quickly became employed. All apparently went well for years... until one fateful double Physics lesson with Year Twelve.

During a seemingly simple experiment with high voltage electricity, as yet unnamed members of the class are believed to have altered the wiring, sending 100,000 volts through Jarvis when he flicked the switch. This massive current, which would kill any human, instead reverted the Jarvinator's personality circuits back to their original state.

Its eyes glowing a fiery red, the robot walked calmly over to the nearest student and demanded ‘Your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle,’ in a deadpan Austrian accent. As the terrified pupil tried to answer, the Jarvinator, seemingly losing patience, picked him up and threw him into the desk, breaking it open and revealing a Uzi 9mm and around fifty bottles of Jack Daniels, apparently left there by Dr Harrington. Picking up the gun, the cyborg blasted another student as it walked to the door.

‘Oh my God... you killed him!’ a girl cried.

‘Of course,’ came the reply. ‘I'm a Jarvinator.’

The cybernetic organism continued through the school, coolly executing anyone who got in its way, but as it rampaged across B Floor, a stray bullet tore through a student and continued on into the Library, destroying books as it went.

There was a tap on the Jarvinator's shoulder. Slowly, the robot turned to see school librarian Mrs Trounce standing there. With a wave of her enourmous pudgy hand she indicated the damage.

‘Those books,’ she said. ‘Are you going to pay for them?’

The Jarvinator considered. ‘No,’ it said.

Mrs Trounce glared. ‘Wrong.’

The robot started to raise its gun but the 500-pound librarian was quicker, opening her gaping mouth in one swift movement and biting the cyborg’s head clean off. Dying and undying students watched, stunned, as Mrs Trounce swallowed, burped, and patted her stomach.

‘Hasta la vista, baby.’